Dance with Desire – Reflections on Who Am I

Early on, the supposed answers were given to me by the well-meaning people around me and by society through norms and culture. I believed myself to be a good girl, an obedient daughter, a caring friend, and a strong student. I worked very hard to live up to those beliefs and cover up the shameful parts that fell short. As I gained more experiences in the world, some answers to the question developed based on a continual feedback loop of my actions and the responses I received. I believed I was a smart, kind, and responsible contributor because I chose educational paths and careers that rewarded me for being so with approval and validation. I didn’t believe myself to be artistic, athletic or creative because I didn’t make choices or receive validation that proved me to be so.

Later, internal desires swirling with societal expectations drove me to pursue more answers to this question of who I am. I decided I wanted to be a caring spouse, a loving mother, a selfless caregiver and an inclusive leader. While there were certainly benevolent, service-oriented motives driving my desire prove myself in these roles, there were also the unconscious motives that seemed to shape who I was and who I was not. My behaviors seemed to show that I was also a codependent, an addict, a martyr, a controller, and a victim. It took substantial heartache, loss and reckoning for me to recognize and begin releasing the unconscious shadows of who I believed myself to be, so that more authentic answers to that question, ‘Who am I?”, could emerge. In fact, much of the poetry in my book, Illusions of this World, reflects this internal process of letting go of the limiting and conditioned parts of who I thought I was.

I began to discover that, unlike what I believed in my youth, I actually am artistic, athletic, and creative. I am learning that within me lives a poet, a dancer, a writer, and a performer. I am learning that these new ways of being do not necessarily replace who I was or the roles that I played, rather they bring a new depth of wholeness, richness and meaning to all parts of my being.

But again, even as there were empowering motives to create beauty, stir souls, and reach new potentials, unconscious shadows also surfaced. Some of my behaviors seemed to show that I believed myself to be inadequate, unfocused, and unwanted. So, as I continue to evolve who I am as a creative, I am also continuing to chip away at these limiting beliefs through inner contemplation, new learning experiences, ongoing spiritual practices, artistic experiments, and connection within supportive communities.

When Answers Stop Working

I was hoping that receiving these answers over the last few years would finally appease the question of who I am, but I am finding that the question is insatiable. Over the last few months, since the publishing of my book, I have been vexed by the question, “Now what?” I have spent weeks scrambling and keeping busy, trying to do more to assuage the discomfort of not knowing what comes next. I felt that if I just did another workshop, another show, another book, or another post, I would finally be able to rest in some certainty—in some definitive answer—but those answers continue to be elusive.

Today, I find that I am wearing out my mind chasing this relentless desire to answer the question of who I am. As I begin to relax my mind, deeper contemplations surface: What if I’m not meant to satisfy this desire for an answer? As poet Rainer Maria Rilke writes, “Do not now seek the answer, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now.”

So, I asked myself: What if, instead of desiring to answer the question “Who am I?”, I accepted this desire as an ever-present source of potential power? From this reflection, what emerged was not an answer, but a way of relating to desire itself.

Dance with Desire

Desire itself is a source of great power
Mysterious, erotic, immensely attractive
Released through vulnerable self expression

Desire is not the ceaseless mental cravings
Of acquisition, achievement or validation
Rather desire radiates from within the body

Desire does not call to be requited by another
Nor does desire ask to be satisfied by indulgence
Desire merely asks for this dance of intimacy

The dance with desire spins love into this world
Arousing romantic mystique in this ordinary life
Expressed in the simplicity of daily intercourse

-Tejal Tarro

Rather, I open humbly to the question, “Who am I?”, and allow the universe to reveal its signs to me through intuition and messages hidden within the daily intercourse of my ordinary life. My latest inquiry is leading me away from grasping specific identities, such as author or leader, and more toward embracing archetypes that light up my soul. Archetypes are universal, recurring symbols in literature, psychology, spirituality, and art that represent aspects of our shared humanity. There are archetypes such as the hero or the shadow, the lover or the fighter, the muse or the magician, and many more.

What I love about archetypes—which comes from the Greek archetypon, meaning “first-molded”—is that they transcend the context society places upon traditional roles, such as leader, mother, or caregiver. They give me room to embody the spirit of my potential while allowing space for that potential to manifest in varied forms that align with my current evolution and circumstances. There are three archetypes that call to me as I contemplate who I am today: the Poetic Mystic, the Radiant Dancer, and the Sorceress Queen.

The Poetic Mystic shows up in my poetry, but it also guides how I spend my days. A mystic gives herself permission to slow down, sit in stillness, and listen deeply to the callings of the divine. Whether I am writing a poem or washing the dishes, I can infuse my existence with this sweet energy of deep presence. The Radiant Dancer shows up in all the lessons I take, along with my dance troupe rehearsals and performances. The dancer is also more and more embodied in the daily choices I am making that reflect how I value my body—through exercise, nourishment, self-love, and self-care.

The Sorceress Queen represents the impact I wish to make in this world. She shows up in the ways I coach and lead, igniting others with a sense of empowerment and passion. She also infuses my creativity with the service-oriented purpose of catalyzing human transformation and inspiring true belonging at the intersection of self, soul, and society.

I hold these archetypes lightly, not as answers to the question, “Who am I?”, but rather as my current exploration for accessing higher potentials within me. They help me transmute the power that emanates from my desire for answers into meaningful self-expression, whether I am writing poetry and essays, sharing stories on stage, or co-creating experiences with other artist-leaders. And I fully expect that the next time the desire to know “Who am I?” arises, and I know it will, I will remember to relax and allow the next set of possibilities to unfold.

Perhaps we are not here to answer the question of who we are, but rather to simply keep dancing with the desires that call us alive.