Releasing Expectations – A Reflection on Reframing Desires

Currently, my mind is screaming that I need to have high book sales, be booked for many engagements, and have others value my service.   My mind is telling me that I am missing the window for holiday sales and that my choice to publish and print through independent small businesses is going to drive away interest because of the additional time and cost.  My mind is telling me that because I am not clear about where to go next with this artistic journey and don’t have a lot of imminent opportunities, this whole effort is a waste of time, money and energy.

Concurrently exists my soul’s desire for simplicity: to move slowly in harmony through each day, without agendas, appreciating the peace and beauty that already exists.  My soul’s desire is for deep contemplation, unfettered expression and piercing intimacy with all of life.  My soul does not seem to care about the choices that were made in the past nor the demands arising in future-oriented time. The only longing of my soul is to be fully yet gently present to what is emerging in each moment.

Lately, I have allowed the desires of my mind to mostly be in charge: running around in the worried frenzy of doing sprinkled only with brief moments of resting in my soul’s desire for stillness of being. This way of navigating these seemingly opposing desires keeps me in a tiresome cycle of suffering as described in this poem Releasing Expectations:

Releasing Expectations

Not yet arrived at the magical place
Where existence meets expectation
Every possibility still tinged with doubt
Every misstep proof of inevitable failure

So many fruitless cycles of attempts
Arranging the circumstances just so
Forcing behaviors approved as good
Inflicting self-punishment of shame

There is no will or resource left to comply
The demands of expectations too harsh
This soul cries for another way of being
To escape this endless cycle of suffering

Amidst the dull ache compassion calls
Imploring even deeper surrender to life
Asking to release expectations with love
Opening this heart to feel beauty again

-Tejal Tarro

For my current struggle, when I patiently sit within this compassionate space, deeper insights emerge that perhaps there is a different way to orient myself – an orientation that, as the poem states, opens my heart to feel beauty again. Instead of framing my mind’s desires in opposition to my soul’s desires, can I actually integrate them into a context that is inclusive of both?

Instead of recognition, can I desire intimate connection – allowing for a breadth of ways to connect, whether that is through readers, subscribers and community or through relationships, nature and contemplation? This orientation does not reject recognition should it come, rather it places recognition as one small aspect within an expanded context of connection, allowing me to discern whether my choices to share my artistic expression publicly aligns with my soul’s desire for piercing intimacy.

Instead of wealth in the limited ways of monetary accumulation, can I desire wealth as prosperity, which is enough abundance to allow for fair exchange with all involved, a quality of life that would support my soul’s desire for simplicity, and sustainability to be able to continue to serve? Again, this orientation does not negate the value of monetary wealth, rather it becomes woven as one thread in the soul’s desire for fulfillment and well-being, allowing me to discern whether how I work supports my expanded view of prosperity.

Instead of approval, can I desire to imprint, which for me means to create deep and lasting impressions that inspire others to unravel conditioning, dance more gracefully with the unknown and unleash creative power? Yet again, this orientation does not spurn approval. Gestures of approval can be experienced as gifts rather than needs, and feedback can be seen as opportunities to refine my imprint versus proof to feed my insecurities. When I focus on my intention, I can let go of the specific expectations of the form or timing of outcomes. Letting go in this way opens space within me, and into that beautiful space flows the inspiration and capacity to keep creating.

This way of reframing reminds me of practices I have been facilitating for years with leaders. In group coaching sessions, we would identify a specific challenge a leader was facing and reflect on the underlying limiting beliefs, which usually fell into some version of not being enough or not having enough. We would then go through an intense exercise of challenging those limiting beliefs, and as we disrupted patterns of thinking, we uncovered authentic affirming beliefs from which arose the courage and motivation to transcend the challenge.

Those sessions mostly focused on the self: mental patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. While this focus was extremely transformative, there were also some limits to this exploration. What we didn’t include, because it would have seemed too radical in those spaces, was looking inwards into our souls and outwards at impact of our society on our lived experience. However, given the fear-driven forces of complexity, speed and chaos that seem to be rising in the world today, I feel called (and I sense others do as well) to create more love-driven counterbalances of simplicity, stillness and clarity, which in my experience has come from looking inward first at the callings of the soul.

From this space of deep centeredness, I can intentionally choose to reach into the storm to address opportunities and challenges without getting swept into the chaos. In my case, centering on my soul’s calling for connection, prosperity and imprint allows me to reach into the storm of public interaction without getting lost in the pull of recognition, accumulation and approval.

The counterbalance of simplicity, stillness and clarity also calls me to look outward above the storm at the paradigms (the unwritten and often unconscious collective rules by which we operate in social systems) which actually form and feed the gusts. In my case, the storm is the paradigm of external achievement and success proving worthiness. Our society was built on and constantly feeds this paradigm in very subtle ways. It is woven into how we school, how we reward and recognize in our organizations, into who we admire on social media and in stories we tell each other glorifying those with seemingly significant accomplishments.

This paradigm engrains a pattern of constant comparison where I see myself as less than, not only as an artist and leader, but also as a caregiver, partner, friend, and woman. It even shows up in my spiritual practices and how I haven’t achieved the enlightenment that some others seem to have. It causes me to feel threatened by others who have seemingly more success than me in any area of life. When I can expand my view above this storm, I can shift out of this paradigm by choosing not to be swept up into constant reactivity of proving my worth.

What this practice of inward (soul) and outward (paradigm) contemplation gives me is acceptance for perceived flaws (in myself and others) as I can see how easy it is to be caught in the winds of paradigms. From this deep acceptance arises clarity of intentions and resilient courage to keep creating and serving amidst the paralyzing tendencies for comparison and self-judgment. The clarity of intentions opens my heart up to a hopeful curiosity and wonder of what is possible, not just for me on my journey, but for all of us collectively. What beauty can we manifest together when we choose to release our fixed expectations, shift out of limiting paradigms and reorient our fear-based desires to end our personal suffering into more inclusive and expansive desires to co-create from divine love? I can’t wait to see.